


The Santa Solution

by pokeystar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cupid - Freeform, Easter Bunny, F/M, Gen, Great Pumpkin, Santa Claus - Freeform, Turkey Lurky, tooth fairy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-05
Updated: 2011-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-14 10:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pokeystar/pseuds/pokeystar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do not piss off the bunny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Santa Solution

**IN THE SUPREME COURT OF THE WIZENGAMOT**

WIZARD'S HIGH COURT  
Level Nine, Ministry of Magic,  
London

Monday, 13th December 2003 -  
Wednesday, 22 December 2003

Before: MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK

BETWEEN

DRACO ABRAXAS MALFOY

 _claimant_

-and-

(1) ESTHER EOSTRE BUNNY

(2) CHARTERED SOCIETY OF HOLIDAYS, INTERNATIONAL

 _defendants_

MR ZACHARIAS SMITH appeared on behalf of the Claimant Draco A. Malfoy MR BLAISE ZABINI appeared on behalf of the First and Second Defendants Esther E. Bunny and the Chartered Society of Holidays, International (Abridged transcripts transcribed from the stenographic notes of Dennis Creevey & Company, Floo: Flourish and Blotts Professional Building, Diagon Alley, London)

* * *

PROCEEDINGS - DAY ONE

. P-1

Monday, 13th December 2003

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Smith and Mr Zabini, I was under the impression that this matter was being addressed in mediation.

MR ZABINI: As was I. As were my clients.

MR SMITH: My client felt mediation was not working, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: In what manner, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: Manner, My Lady?

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: What caused Mr Malfoy to believe mediation was not working?

MR SMITH: Harassment, My Lady. My client experienced more harassment after the agreed-upon ceasefire was

. P-2

established in mediation.

MR ZABINI: Outrageous! My clients have complied with every mediated stipulation.

MR L FAIRY: We haven't even _breathed_ on the poncy git.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Zabini, please keep your clients from speaking out of turn, or they shall be ejected from the courtroom forthwith.

MR ZABINI: Yes, My Lady. If I may reiterate, as the Laundry Fairy, holiday representation of Labour Day stated so colourfully, my clients have complied with _every_ mediated stipulation.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Duly noted, Mr Zabini. Mr Smith, I presume your client has evidence of this harassment?

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady, I believe he does.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I suppose we shall have a trial, then. Get on with it, Mr. Smith.

. P-3

MR SMITH: May it please the Wizengamot, this is my opening statement in the matter of D. Malfoy v. E. Bunny. I will represent Mr Malfoy and the Defendants are represented by Mr Zabini.

To begin with, it was a rather chilly spring morning when Mr Malfoy's and Mrs Bunny's paths first intersected. Easter morning, to be precise...

[ _Mr Creevey feels very strongly about tree conservation; any portions of these transcripts deemed ‘unnecessary’ have been excised accordingly—for example ‘dull, pompous, repetitive opening statements’_ ]

* * *

. P-147

Therefore, Mr Malfoy has done nothing wrong, other than failing to apologise for a simple misunderstanding. Indeed, he has been hounded into seclusion, and lost a fiancée in the bargain to an ever-escalating, very much one-sided war.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Does that complete your opening statement, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: That completes my opening statement, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I see that it is just noon. You have excellent timing, Mr Smith. We shall adjourn for lunch and return at half past one for Mr Zabini's opening statement.

* * *

. P-148

(The court reconvenes)

MR ZABINI: My Lady, Mr Smith will have you believe that Mr Malfoy is entirely blameless in what he deems a 'one-sided war.'

Mr Malfoy is not blameless. He has never been blameless. Rather than following the tenets of interaction proscribed to him by his upbringing and acknowledging the greater magic in his presence, he chose to act as a disrespectful infant. Then, when faced with the consequences of his actions, he attempted to shift responsibility and deny his involvement. Furthermore, he added to his initial disrespect by seeking to subvert that greater magic—he actually tried to render it meaningless...

[ _See insert above regarding Mr Creevey’s stance on conserving trees_ ]

 

* * *

. P-179

In conclusion, Mrs Esther Bunny and her colleagues in the Chartered Society of Holidays, International felt compelled to teach Mr Draco Malfoy a lesson, not declare a 'one-sided war'.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I see, Mr Smith, that you require a projecting Pensieve for your first presentation of evidence?

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Unfortunately, all such equipment is in use elsewhere for the afternoon.

MR SMITH: The Department of Useful Objects assured me a projecting Pensieve would be present in the courtroom tomorrow morning.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Ah. Marvellous. I trust there are no other pressing matters this afternoon? MR SMITH: None. MR ZABINI: None.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Court will resume at 9:30.

(The court adjourned until the following day)

. P-180

DAY 2: Tuesday, 14th December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Yes, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: This morning I would like to show a memory of Mr. Malfoy's from early September of this year.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: That seems a bit irregular, Mr Smith.

MR ZABINI: Highly irregular, My Lady!

MR SMITH: I beg the court's indulgence in this matter. The memory demonstrates the extremes undertaken by the Defendants.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Why show it now, Mr Smith?

MR ZABINI: It is a bid to influence your opinion of my clients.

MR SMITH: Yes, because _my_ client's reputation is already tarnished. As a former Death Eater, he faces an uphill struggle against public opinion every day.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Are you suggesting the Wizengamot is biased, Mr. Smith?

. P-182

MR SMITH: No, My Lady. It was suggested yesterday that my client's case is without merit. The memory is intended to show the court in part why Mr Malfoy deemed it necessary to bypass mediation.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Very well. You may display the memory.

MR SMITH: Thank you, Your Ladyship.

 _The projecting Pensieve shows the Malfoy rose garden in full bloom. A hulking figure, hirsute and stumpy, dressed in a pink tank leotard and ivory tulle tutu, lumbers into view. Seconds later, the figure is revealed in extreme close up, possessed of brass knuckles and a sparkling star-topped wand. The prospective of the Pensieved memory falls back to include the person being confronted: one Draco A. Malfoy, who is clearly dwarfed by his visitor._

 _Mr Malfoy addresses the visitor, asking “How in the blazes did you get through the wards?”_

 __. P-183 __

 _Whereupon the visitor winds back the hand bearing the brass knuckles, and lets fly, hitting Mr Malfoy square in the jaw. Mr Malfoy is laid out flat._

 _The visitor addresses Mr Malfoy, exclaiming “The Tooth hurts!”_

 _The visitor Rennervates Mr Malfoy._

 _Mr Malfoy manages to stumble upright, appearing stunned. “Who the fuck are you?” he enquires._

 _The visitor punches him again, and as Mr Malfoy falls, shouts “You can't handle the Tooth!” He then Disapparates with a loud pop._

. P-184

[ _See insert, day one .P-147. In this instance, applied to endlessly circular discussions regarding the relative point of view and accuracy of Pensieved memories._ ]

* * *

. P-253

MR ZABINI: If it pleases the court, I'd like to question Mrs Esther Bunny.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Yes, please do.

Mrs Esther Eostre Bunny, sworn. Examined by Mr Zabini.

MR ZABINI: Mrs Bunny, please state your full name and occupation, for the record.

A. Esther Eostre Bunny. I am the Easter Bunny.

Q. Meaning you are the symbolic representation of the holiday known as Easter? An embodiment of all the magic of that holiday?

A. Yes.

Q. Please describe for the court your first encounter with Mr Malfoy.

A. When Abraxas Malfoy was a little boy—

MR SMITH: Pardon my interruption, My Lady. What does Mr Malfoy's grandfather have to do with the matter at hand?

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I must admit, I was wondering that as well.

. P-254

MR ZABINI: If my learned friend will allow my client to finish her answer, your curiosity will be satisfied, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: In a timely manner, I hope?

MR ZABINI: In time for dinner, I am sure, My Lady.

Please continue, Mrs Bunny.

A. When Abraxas Malfoy was a little boy, he freed my leg from a Muggle hunting trap with spontaneous magic and I granted him a boon. Inspired by the situation he found me in, I think, he asked that good luck be bestowed on him and his family in perpetuity. Now, most people believe that rubbing a rabbit's _foot_ results in good luck. Actually, good luck results from being in contact with rabbit _poop_.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Pardon me, Mrs Bunny. Did you say rabbit _poop_?

A. Yes, My Lady.

MR ZABINI: As the embodiment of a holiday, your particular, um, excrement has a special form, does it not?

. P-255

A. Yes. I poop jelly beans.

Q. Jelly beans?

A. Wizards know them as Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

Q. I see. And since Abraxas Malfoy passed on, how do you fulfil your promise to him?

A. I poop on his grave. As part of my Easter duties.

Q. Aren't you too busy to do such a task on that particular day?

A. I never break a promise to a child, no matter what they turn out to be as an adult. We holidays have strong magic. Wards don't affect us. We can bend time to our will. All such powers that enable us to fulfill our duties on our designated days.

Q. How did Mr Draco Malfoy react to witnessing you poop on his grandfather's grave?

. P-256

A. Not well.

Q. What did he do precisely, Mrs Bunny?

A. He Vanished my leavings and started screaming at me.

Q. I presume Mr Malfoy used _Evanesco_?

A. Yes.

Q. Do you remember what Mr Malfoy screamed at you, Mrs Bunny?

A. Many bad words. He also called me a 'hare-brained disease-ridden rodent'. Then he threatened me with bodily harm.

Q. He threatened you with bodily harm? How?

A. He summoned a house-elf and demanded the elf serve me as lunch. He mentioned several preparation methods.

Q. I see. And those were?

A. Roasting, fricassee, stewed and stuffed. Sausage, Chassuer, and lastly, Hasenpfeffer. The elf measured me and Disapparated away, muttering something about enlarging the ovens.

. P-257

Q. Then what happened?

A. I tried to explain my promise to his grandfather, and Mr. Malfoy seized my favourite ever-filling Easter basket. He threw it down on the ground and jumped on it, smashing it flat. When I protested, he set it on fire.

Q. Using magic?

A. Yes, he used _Incendio_.

Q. And then?

A. The elf came back and tried to manhandle me into a roasting pan. I had to freeze the poor thing to the spot. Mr Malfoy seems unconcerned about his servant's well-being, and in fact, was smirking at me. I told him that incinerating my basket ruined Easter for lots of wizarding children and he scoffed at me.

Q. He scoffed at you? Why?

A. It seems that Mr Malfoy believes that parents do all of the holiday work, not us.

Q. By us, you mean?

A. The representations of the holidays and various important achievements, of course.

Q. Such as the Tooth Fairy, whose visit with Mr Malfoy we all witnessed earlier here in the courtroom?

. P-258

A. Yes, but I didn't ask Willard to beat Mr Malfoy up. He just... overcompensates sometimes.

MR ZABINI: Thank you, Mrs Bunny. That will be all.

MR SMITH: I have some questions for Mrs. Bunny, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Of course you do, Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: They won't take very long, Your Ladyship.

Mrs. Bunny, were you aware that Mr Willard Tooth Fairy, as you said, 'overcompensates sometimes' before you sent him to visit Mr Malfoy?

A. Yes, but—

Q. And were you aware that Mr Willard Tooth Fairy owned a pair of brass knuckles?

A. Yes, but—

. P-259

Q. Mrs Bunny, you know why Mr Malfoy has reason to scoff at the holidays, don't you?

A. Yes, but—

MR SMITH: That will be all, Mrs Bunny. Thank you.

MR ZABINI: Permission to cross, My Lady?

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Go ahead, Mr Zabini.

MR ZABINI: Mrs Bunny, did you ask Mr Willard Tooth Fairy to visit Mr Malfoy?

A. No, I did not. Despite the fact that Mr Malfoy refused to apologise, I do not condone violence. I know that Willard has a bit of a temper and that his direct involvement could make things worse.

Q. And as for Mr Malfoy's reasons for scoffing?

A. That particular holiday has his own rules and runs his affairs as he sees fit. But even he does not have control over well-meaning parents and the inevitable results.

MR ZABINI: Thank you again, Mrs Bunny.

. P-260

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: The clock indicates dinner time is near. Any additional pressing business this evening, gentlemen? MR ZABINI: None. MR SMITH: None.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Court will resume at 9:30.

(The court adjourned until the following day)

. P-261

DAY 3: Wednesday, 15th December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Smith, I understand you have a scheduling conflict this morning?

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady. Astoria Greengrass was meant to testify today, but a Portkey mix up has caused the witness to be stranded in Paris for the duration.

MR ZABINI: Is there a sale on at Chanel?

MR SMITH: My witness is making every conscientious attempt to be in court, My Lady. She takes this matter very seriously.

MR MALFOY: As long as she has a stunning outfit to appear in.

MR ZABINI: No disrespect to the witness or this court was intended, My Lady.

. P-263

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: None taken, Mr Zabini. What are we to do then, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: Reconvene after lunch, My Lady? I have another set of witnesses scheduled at that time.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: All of whom are in the immediate area, I hope?

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady, as far as I know.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Not out shopping, then?

MR SMITH: No, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Very good. Court will reconvene at half past one.

. P-263

* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Well, Mr Smith, do you have witnesses to present this afternoon or shall we all go shopping? I quite fancy a new hat.

MR SMITH: If it pleases the court, I call Miss Romilda Vane to the stand.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Ah well, I suppose Fabienne Delvigne can wait. Get on with it, Mr Smith.

Miss Romilda Vane, sworn. Examined by Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Thank you, My Lady.

Miss Vane, is it true that you were in love with Mr Draco Malfoy?

A. I thought I was.

Q. When did you think you were in love with Mr Malfoy?

. P-264

A. For almost three weeks in May of this year.

Q. Even though Mr Malfoy was engaged to Miss Astoria Greengrass at the time?

A. Love knows no boundaries, Mr Smith.

Q. And how did you express your feelings toward Mr Malfoy?

A. I sent him letters and presents. I memorised his schedule and engineered meetings.

Q. Did you attempt physical contact with Mr Malfoy?

A. I tried to kiss him.

Q. In Diagon Alley, correct? In full view of his parents and fiancée?

A. Yes.

. P-265

MR SMITH: Thank you, Miss Vane. That will be all.

MR ZABINI: I have no questions for this witness.

MR SMITH: I wish to call Miss Parvati Patil to the stand, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: By all means, Mr Smith.

Miss Parvati Patil, sworn. Examined by Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Thank you, My Lady.

Miss Patil, is it true that you were in love with Mr Draco Malfoy?

A. Yes, something like love, I guess.

Q. When were you in love with Mr Malfoy?

. P-266

A. For about a week in May of this year.

Q. Only a week, Miss Patil?

A. My sister Padma figured out that I had fallen under a love spell and administered an antidote.

Q. How did she determine that in such a short period of time?

A. I was… am, actually, engaged to marry Ronald Weasley. When I became suddenly fixated on another man, Padma was pretty suspicious. I may flirt, but I am very loyal.

Q. How did you express your feelings regarding Mr Malfoy?

A. I clipped his pictures from the _Daily Prophet_ and made a scrapbook. I followed him as much as I could. I had lilacs delivered to his office.

MR SMITH: Thank you, Miss Patil. Congratulations on your engagement. That will be all.

. P-267

MR ZABINI: I have no questions for this witness.

MR SMITH: I wish to call Miss Lavender Brown to the stand, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Another Draco Malfoy fan, Mr Smith?

Miss Lavender Brown, sworn. Examined by Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady. The last one, I think.

Miss Brown, is it true that you were in love with Draco Malfoy?

A. Yes, it is. Hello, Coco!

Q. Coco, Miss Brown?

A. Coco. Draco, of course. I give all my boyfriends nicknames. Won Won, Coco, Den Den…

. P-268

[ _Mr Creevey's very good friend the Whomping Willow begs us to save his brethren from sacrificing their limbs to this absurdity_ ]

* * *

MR SMITH: Thank you, Miss Brown. Please remember that there is a restraining order that prevents you from being within twenty feet of my client. That will be all.

. P-279

MR ZABINI: I do not have questions for this witness.

MR SMITH: I wish to call Mr Bartholomew Cupid to the stand, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Have at it, Mr Smith.

Mr Bartholomew Cupid, sworn. Examined by Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Thank you, My Lady.

Good afternoon, Mr Cupid. You are the representation of Valentine’s day, are you not?

A. I am. I am also the god of love.

Q. And you are very good friends with Esther Bunny?

A. I am.

Q. Did Mrs Bunny ask you to do a favour for her last May?

. P-280

A. She did.

Q. And what was that favour, Mr Cupid?

A. Esther asked me to make silly, annoying girls fall in love with Mr Draco Malfoy. She hoped he would be inconvenienced enough to finally apologise for his actions in late April.

Q. Was she hoping that Mr Malfoy’s fiancée would break off their engagement?

A. Esther is not spiteful.

Q. It seemed to be working, from Miss Brown’s testimony. Mr Malfoy was annoyed enough to obtain a restraining order. Why did you stop?

A. I stopped because Miss Brown was _too_ silly. In love with love for love’s sake. That sort is always unpredictable. Unstable. Thought I ought to quit while I was even-like.

MR SMITH: Thank you, Mr Cupid. That will be all.

. P-281

MR ZABINI: I have a question or two.

I noticed Miss Brown seems enamoured of Mr Malfoy even now. Are you still dosing her, Mr Cupid?

A. No, I am not. The barmy chit does it to herself. She’d probably fall in love with the Giant Squid, given the slightest suggestion.

Q. I see. Are you currently dosing anyone on Mrs Bunny’s behalf?

A. No, I am not.

MR MALFOY: _Right._

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Malfoy, please confine your comments to yourself or I will have you ejected from this courtroom. Continue, if you will, Mr. Zabini.

MR ZABINI: I’m finished, My Lady. Thank you, Mr Cupid.

MR SMITH: I wish to call Mrs Lucretia Leprechaun to the stand, My Lady

. P-282

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: The floor is yours, Mr Smith.

Mrs Lucretia Leprechaun, sworn. Examined by Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Thank you, My Lady.

Good afternoon, Mrs Leprechaun. Are you the representation of St. Patrick’s day?

A. Yes, laddie, I am.

Q. Did Mrs Bunny ask you for a favour in regards to Mr Malfoy?

A. Yes, she did.

Q. What was that favour, Mrs Leprechaun?

. P-283

A. I gave Mr Malfoy the Luck of the Irish in July.

Q. And what does the Luck of the Irish do, precisely?

A. It turns everything a wee bit sour, it does. Like, if his business does well, then his hairline begins to recede or he gets a pimple. Or if he goes to a restaurant, they’ll be out of his favourite dish.

Q. So, the Luck of the Irish is a form of harassment?

A, Harassment is a strong word, laddie. I’d say it were a mild botheration.

Q. Did you take this 'mild botheration' back at any time after you gave it to Mr Malfoy?

A. Look at your client’s hairline, laddie. Do you think I took the Luck of the Irish back?

MR SMITH: Thank you, Mrs Leprechaun. That will be all.

MR ZABINI: I have no questions for Mrs Leprechaun.

. P-284

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: It’s getting late, gentlemen, shall we call it a night? MR ZABINI: I have no objections. MR SMITH: Certainly, My Lady.

 

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Court will reconvene at 9:30.

(The court adjourned until the following day)

. P-285

DAY 4: Thursday, 16th December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Good morning, fellow members of the Wizengamot. It seems Mr Smith’s wayward witness has returned to the nest, as it were. C'est vrai, n'est-ce pas, monsieur Smith?

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady. If it pleases the court, I will call Miss Astoria Greengrass to the stand.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Please do.

Miss Astoria Greengrass, sworn. Examined by Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Thank you, My Lady.

Miss Greengrass, you were engaged to Mr Malfoy, correct?

A. Yes. From November 2002 to August 2003.

. P-287

Q. The court questioned Mr Bartholomew Cupid yesterday regarding the favour he did for Mrs Bunny. How did it feel to watch your fiancé be pawed over by so many women?

A. Well, it wasn’t fun.

Q. Then his hairline started receding in July?

A. Yes, that was disconcerting.

Q. When did you break it off with Mr Malfoy?

A. I can’t… Really, it’s very painful to discuss… May I use the Pensieve?

MR SMITH: My Lady, may I request the use of the Pensieve for my witness?

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Zabini, I trust there will be no further drawn out arguments regarding the Pensieve’s veracity?

MR ZABINI: None, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Your witness may use the Pensieve, Mr Smith.

 _The projecting Pensieve shows the Malfoy rose garden in full bloom._

 __. P-288 __

 _Mr Malfoy and Miss Greengrass are strolling down a path, arm in arm, discussing wedding plans._

 _The prospective drops back to show a shadow falling over the young couple. It is the shadow of a rotund, flying bird with a capotain on its head. Its feet are encased in heavy black brass-buckled shoes._

 _Mr Malfoy addresses the plump poultry, “What the fuck now?”_

 _Miss Greengrass responds with “Draco, language!”_

 _The flying bird announces, “I am Turkey Lurkey, representation of Thanksgiving. I've been told you have a smelly attitude, so I thought your outsides should match! Gobbledy gobble!”_

 _Turkey Lurkey then lays several eggs in mid-air, yelling “Gobbledy gobble! Bombs away!”_

 __. P-289 __

 _The eggs drop like missiles from the sky, first hitting Mr Malfoy and then Miss Greengrass. The eggs break over their hair and clothing; the eggs clearly stink from the expressions on the couple's faces._

 _Mr Malfoy throws his hands up at Mr Lurkey, exclaiming “Oh, come on! We're British, for fuck's sake!”_

 _Miss Greengrass looks down at her dress and lets out a tremendous scream. She runs toward the manor house, yelling “That's it, Draco Malfoy! We are through! Mipsy! Mipsy! Where is that stupid elf?”_

 _Turkey Lurkey gives Mr Malfoy the two feather salute and flies off saying “Gobbledy gobble! Gobbledy gobble! Gobbledy gobble! That was for Esther, limey boy! Gobbledy gobble! Gobbledy gobble!”_

MR SMITH: That must have been a very traumatic event for you, Miss Greengrass.

. P-290  
A. Of course it was! That was my favourite Prada! Mipsy still hasn't been able to remove that smell, and it's absolutely disgusting. Like sulphur.

MR SMITH: How horrible.

Thank you, Miss Greengrass. That will be all.

MR ZABINI: I have a question for Miss Greengrass, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I'm not stopping you, Mr Zabini.

MR ZABINI: That's a stunning outfit you're wearing, Miss Greengrass. Did you get it in Paris?

A. Yes, I did. There was a sale at Chanel.

Q. Were you in love with Mr Malfoy?

A. No. It was an—

MR ZABINI: Thank you, Miss Greengrass. That will be all.

MR SMITH: My learned friend’s math skills leave something to be desired. That was _two_ questions, Mr Zabini.

Permission to cross, My Lady.

. P-291

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Go ahead, Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Miss Greengrass, why were you stuck in Paris yesterday?

A. My current fiancé, Michael Corner was afraid that if I came to court and this issue was resolved, I would break my engagement with him to be with Draco. Which is ridiculous, because I love Michael. So he disabled my Portkey and I was unable to obtain a new one until today.

Q. And you didn't love Draco Malfoy because?

A. It was an arranged engagement. One I had serious misgivings about.

Q. Serious misgivings?

A. You saw the way he spoke to Turkey Lurkey, right? Well, he spoke to all of the holidays that way—with an utter lack of respect.

Q. Why did that concern you, Miss Greengrass?

. P-292

A. Arranged marriages, Mr Smith, are about preserving the bloodline. I was concerned for our future children. Draco refused to apologise, which kept offending the holidays. I was afraid that Draco would alienate the holidays so completely they would enact a relational ban. If that happened, any children I had with Draco would never know true holiday magic. I wouldn't... I couldn't take that chance.

MR SMITH: Thank you again, Miss Greengrass. And congratulations on your engagement. That will be all.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I think we've covered enough ground for today. Do you agree, gentlemen? MR ZABINI: Yes. MR SMITH: Agreed, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Court adjourned. Same time as always tomorrow.

(The court adjourned until the following day)

. P-293

DAY 5: Friday, 17th December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I do believe we will finally hear what Mr Malfoy has to say today.

Mr Draco Malfoy, sworn. Examined by Mr. Smith

MR SMITH: Yes, My Lady.

Mr Malfoy, why did you bring this matter before the court?

A. Because the holidays went too far.

Q. The Turkey Lurkey incident? The visit the Tooth Fairy paid you? Your fan club? All that was too far?

. P-295

A. Not really, no. I was being stubborn, I can see that now. They felt disrespected. Well, they were right. I didn't have much respect for them. By the time I was five, I knew who filled my stockings and my baskets. My parents bought me everything I received at holidays—why did I need a bunny in a bonnet or a jolly old fat man?

Q. What was too far?

A. The relational ban. I admit, I didn't take Astoria seriously when she brought it up. I thought she was worrying needlessly. Can you remember the last time a ban was enacted? But then it happened, and I couldn't bear the look on Teddy's face when he realised what was missing at Halloween.

Q. And Teddy is?

A. One of my cousins, on my mother's side. He was orphaned in the war. I feel very responsible for him and we're very close.

Q. Is that why you filed a complaint with the Department of Magical Creatures?

A. Yes.

. P-296

Q. And they recommended mediation, correct?

A. Yes.

Q. What happened in mediation?

A. For a few weeks, everything was brilliant. The mediator is fantastic at her job. The holidays and I argued a lot, airing our grievances, but she kept us on track. She never lost sight of the end goal, which was to reach a compromise and achieve an agreement.

Q. So, no problems with the mediator?

A. None.

. P-297

Q. Then why did you call a halt to mediation? Why did you bring this matter to trial?

A. Because they promised to stop harassing me during the mediation but they didn't. You saw how aggressive they were in those Pensieve memories. I had to visit St Mungo's on five separate occasions to treat bruises, a concussion, smell removal twice, and a rash.

Q. A rash?

A. I'm allergic to lilacs. And my hairline! I've tried potions, shampoos, spa treatments. Nothing works! I'll be bald by the time I'm thirty-seven! I'll look like an old man before my time!

Q. I understand you feel injured, Mr Malfoy, but those events all took place before mediation started. What has changed since?

Mr Malfoy?

. P-298

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Answer the question, please, Mr Malfoy.

A. They made me fall in love. And it's hopeless and horrible and they have been crueller than... I ever thought to be.

Q. Because she is inappropriate, like the others Mr Cupid made fall in love with you? Is her blood status inferior or her social rank?

A. No! It's hopeless because I was horrible and horrible things happened to her because of me. In my home. How could anyone expect a woman to forgive that, forgive me, much less fall in love back?

MR SMITH: I see. That is cruel indeed. Thank you, Mr Malfoy. That is all.

MR ZABINI: I have questions for Mr Malfoy.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: You have the floor.

MR ZABINI: Mr Malfoy, is it possible you fell in love on your own?

. P-299

A. I don't see how. No.

Q. Do you remember that Mr Cupid was sworn and testified that he was not dosing anyone on Mrs Bunny's behalf?

A. That doesn't mean he wasn't doing it. For himself or Turkey or the Tooth guy. You didn't ask him if he wasn't, _period_.

Q. Because he is always dosing someone. It's his _job_.

A. Exactly.

MR ZABINI: Oh, for Merlin's hairy pimple!

Thank you, Mr Malfoy. That is all.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Are we done, gentlemen? MR SMITH: I am finished.

. P-300

MR ZABINI: No, My Lady. I have a schedule change for Monday. Two of my witnesses for the morning session have been called away on business.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Which witnesses, Mr Zabini?

MR ZABINI: Mr Tooth Fairy and his brother, Mr Laundry Fairy.

MR SMITH: A sock emergency, I presume?

MR ZABINI: You are droll, my friend. A four day Pee Wee Hockey League tournament in Nova Scotia, My Lady.

MR SMITH: Blood stains can be difficult.

. P-301

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Can the remainder of the trial be conducted without them, Mr Zabini?

MR ZABINI: My case won't be harmed by their absence, My Lady. But my other witness cannot be present until 1:30, as originally scheduled. Morning fog tends to give him mildew.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Very well, Mr Zabini. Court adjourned. We'll have a little holiday and reconvene at 1:30.

(The court adjourned until the following Monday)

. P-302

DAY 6: Monday, 20th December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Has your witness arrived mildew free, Mr Zabini?

MR ZABINI: Yes, My Lady.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Feel free to begin, then, Mr Zabini.

The Great Pumpkin, sworn. Examined by Mr Zabini.

MR ZABINI: Thank you, My Lady.

Mr Great Pumpkin, what holiday do you represent?

A. Not mister.

. P-304

Q. Miss?

A. No. Nor Mrs. Just the.

Q. The Great Pumpkin, what holiday do you represent?

A. Halloween, of course.

Q. Did you appear at Malfoy Tonks celebration this year?

A. No, I did not.

Q. Why didn't you?

A. The ban, of course.

Q. Who enacted the ban?

A. The Chief officer of the Chartered Society of Holidays, International.

. P-305

Q. And that is?

A. This year it's Abe Lincoln, representation of President's Day. We hold elections every year. And Abe can't run again for ten years. That way everyone gets a chance.

Q. That seems very fair.

A. Contrary to Mr Malfoy's opinion, we holidays always try to be fair.

Q. I see. The Great Pumpkin, why was the ban enacted?

A. All Esther wanted was an apology, but Mr Malfoy was stubborn. And then we all started feeling offended and noticed he didn't hold much holiday spirit. Needed a lesson, he did. And we tried. The ban was a last resort.

Q. Did any of the holidays object to the ban?

. P-306

A. Actually, Esther protested a little—she hadn't meant for it to go so far. But SC got a dreamy look in his eye and said everything would work out fine if we enacted it. So we did.

Q. SC got a dreamy look and everyone fell in line?

A. When Santa says boo, it means something. His intuition is rock solid.

MR ZABINI: I imagine it is. Thank you, The Great Pumpkin. That is all.

MR SMITH: I do not have any questions for this witness.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Are we finished for the evening, gentlemen? MR SMITH: I believe so. MR ZABINI: I concur.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Court is adjourned. See you all at 9:30 sharp tomorrow morning.

(The court adjourned until the following day)

. P-307

DAY 7: Tuesday, 21st December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: And who do you have for us, today, Mr Zabini?

MR ZABINI: If it pleases the court, I call Miss Hermione Granger to the stand.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: It does indeed.

Miss Hermione Granger, sworn. Examined by Mr Zabini.

MR ZABINI:Thank you, My Lady.

Miss Granger, state your occupation please.

A. I am a mediator in special cases for the Department of Magical Creatures.

Q. You mediated the case between Mr Draco Malfoy and Mrs Esther Bunny, correct?

A. Yes, I did. Until Mr Malfoy served notice of trial on December sixth.

. P-309

Q. Did that surprise you, Miss Granger?

A. Yes, very much. I admit, we had a rocky start, but by late November everyone was actively working toward a compromise.

Q. Even Mr Malfoy?

A. Especially Mr Malfoy. He was eager to have mediation settled before the Christmas season started. He did not want to disappoint his cousin Teddy.

Q. So, he was cooperative because of his cousin?

A. Partially because of his cousin. But I also think he is honestly trying to turn over a new leaf, so to speak. He seems more mature, more compassionate since I knew him in school. Definitely more civil. And more pleasant to be around. At least he was.

Q. Was?

. P-310

A. Until a few days before he served notice. Then he was... withdrawn, angry, maybe. He seemed... hurt.

Q. Did you see Mr Malfoy outside mediation, Miss Granger?

A. In the same way one sees most acquaintances outside work, yes. At fund-raising events or at youth Quidditch league. My friend Ron coaches Teddy's team. I ran into Draco once—literally, I'm afraid—in Diagon Alley and helped Teddy pick out Christmas presents for his grandmother. That was the last weekend of November, I think. It's a shame, because I thought...

Q. You thought?

A. Oh! I'm sorry, it has no bearing on this case.

Q. Are you sure?

A. Yes.

. P-311

Q. Miss Granger, where did the mediation sessions take place?

A. In a secure meeting room on the Ministry's twelfth level.

Q. And by secure, you mean?

A. That is enforced against duelling magic and impregnated with a series of strong wards and tracking spells designed to detect stealth magic.

Q. Even the type of powerful bending magic a holiday might employ?

A. Yes. Without revealing too much, for security reasons, the wards pick up anomalies of any kind in the room. In addition, each session is recorded in case it needs to be reviewed later. The recording equipment is especially sensitive and picks up everything.

. P-312

Q. So if a holiday were to say, charm or dose someone?

A. Impossible. It would set off an alarm immediately.

MR ZABINI: Thank you, Miss Granger. That will be all.

MR SMITH: I have some questions for Miss Granger.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Of course you do, Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: Miss Granger, has the room ever failed to detect anomalies or stealth magic?

A. Not to my knowledge. It is serviced and tested frequently.

Q. Is it possible to use stealth magic in the corridors or elevators of the Ministry?

. P-313

A. Possible, of course. Though unlikely. Everyone knows that the security desk puts a trace on each wand as it enters the building.

MR SMITH: Which, of course, wouldn't matter to a being that doesn't use a wand in the first place.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: That wasn't a question, Mr Smith.

MR SMITH: So sorry, My Lady.

Thank you, Miss Granger. That will be all.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Shall we adjourn for the evening, gentlemen? MR SMITH: By all means.

. P-314

MR ZABINI: Not quite yet, My Lady. I have a witness addition for tomorrow.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: An additional witness, Mr Zabini?

MR ZABINI: Yes, My Lady. Mr Santa Claus.

MR SMITH: I object, My Lady! Mr Zabini wishes to make this addition without notifying claimant's counsel. We do not have time to prepare!

MR ZABINI: I was only notified of the witness's availability at lunch, My Lady. You can understand, surely, that his plate is rather full this time of year.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Yes, I do understand, Mr Zabini. Your witness addition is allowed.

. P-315

MR SMITH: But, Your Ladyship!

MR ZABINI: Look who wants coal in his stocking this year.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Very well, Mr Smith. Court adjourned. Mr Smith may have his preparation time and we will reconvene at 1:30.

(The court adjourned until the following day)

. P-316

DAY 8: Wednesday, 22nd December 2003  


* * *

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Yes, Mr Zabini?

MR ZABINI: If it pleases the court, I will call Mr Saint Nicholas, otherwise known as Kris Kringle, otherwise know as Mr Santa Claus, to the stand.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Please do.

MR ZABINI: Mr Claus, I understand you are very busy this time of year, so I will make this as brief as possible.

A. Don't rush on my account, young one. Would you like a peppermint drop?

MR ZABINI: No thank you, sir.

Is it true that Mr Malfoy is on your naughty list, Mr. Claus?

. P-318

A. Yes, Mr Malfoy is a long-standing member of the naughty list. He was selfish and spoiled as a child. He was a spiteful bully as a teenager. And as a young adult, I despaired for his very soul.

Q. Don't all naughty children get a lump of coal in their stocking instead of presents?

A. Yes. But Mr Malfoy's parents saw fit to interfere, as parents often do.

Q. What do you mean, that you despaired for Mr Malfoy's very soul?

A. A wizard's magic is soul deep, and when a wizard starts to lose his belief in magic, he loses his soul. And holiday magic is among the purest of magics in the known universe.

Q. Do you despair for Mr Malfoy's soul as a man?

. P-319

A. Until recently, I did.

Q. What changed, Mr Claus?

A. He fell in love. And love has opened his eyes to the possibility of holiday magic again.

I believe, Mafalda, that I have a solution to this knotty problem before us. We holidays have agreed to set aside our grievances and dissolve the relational ban against the Malfoys and their kin, if Mr Draco Malfoy will agree to accompany each of the holidays on our rounds over the next year. We also insist that Miss Hermione Granger act as liaison in overseeing Mr Malfoy's fulfilment of this task. We are sure you will agree that young Draco requires close, personal supervision, do you not, Malfalda?

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: I find I quite agree, Mr Claus.

MR SMITH: My Lady, I must object. My client is the claimant in this case—

. P-320

MR MALFOY: Shut it, Smith!

MR SMITH: But, Mr Malfoy, _you_ sought recompense in this trial, and this solution _OW_.

MR MALFOY: I said _shut it_ or I'll kick you again _and_ void my retainer with your firm.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Smith, does your client have any objection to these terms?

MR SMITH: No, My Lady, he does not.

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Mr Zabini, do your clients find this resolution acceptable?

MR ZABINI: They do, My Lady.

. P-321

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK: Fabulous. Case dismissed. Happy Christmas, everyone!

* * *

(addendum to trial transcripts, final report on the Santa Solution)

2 January, 2005

MRS CHIEF WARLOCK HOPKIRK  
WIZARD'S HIGH COURT  
Level Nine, Ministry of Magic,  
London

Dear Mafalda,

I hope this letter finds Your Ladyship in good health.

I am writing to report that Mr Draco A Malfoy has completed the final portion of his rounds with the members of Chartered Society of Holidays, International. He finished his task with joy, goodwill and not a little regret. He has come to anticipate the act of giving and intends to live as if everyday is a holiday.

I intend to see that he does.

Happy New Year,

Mrs. Hermione Granger-Malfoy

the end

**Author's Note:**

> .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
> 
> Foot ~~poop~~ notes:
> 
> Originally written for day 23 of dramione_advent, a Live Journal community. Prompt: Easter Bunny.
> 
> As procedures for wizarding law and courts have not been fully described within canon, the author has asserted her right to artistic licence in the service of (hackneyed) humour. Please excuse deviations from logic and indeed, propriety, accordingly.
> 
> Many thanks and bouquets of roses to somandalicious, my most excellent beta.
> 
> Fabienne Delvigne is a famous Belgian millner. She makes hats for European Royals.
> 
> C'est vrai, n'est-ce pas – That’s true, isn’t it?
> 
> Turkey Lurky – name was taken from the story of Chicken Little (author unknown).
> 
> Capotain – Pilgrim hat.
> 
> The Great Pumpkin – courtesy Linus et al, The Peanuts by Charles Schultz


End file.
